Literally marginalised warrior snails

If you know me, you'll know that recently I became obsessed with medieval snails. You know the kind, the slimy little weapon-wielding, home-carrying goblins immortalised in the marginalia of predominantly French and English Medieval scripts from the thirteenth century. Historians (as well as people like me who have FA little business weighing in on the matter and no relevant qualifications) are confused about the purpose of these crafty, slime molluscs. The Medieval time seems to have been a wild ride and marginalia tells us that it wasn't just snails that were slaying(💅), but other unlikely creatures such as rabbits, as well. While the whole fighting farm deserves further investigation, it is the snails that have captured my particular interest.

The first concern is obviously the ethics of the matter. Humans hold too much power in the animal kingdom, and have previously done really shady shi- some not very nice things to animals, so it is understandable, most excellent reader, that you would question whether these creatures were enslaved, and forced to bear arms against their slippery little wills. This was my first concern as well, however we can take some comfort from the scale presented in the marginalia, where we see that the snails are depicted as proportionate in size to their human adversaries. But I hear you, my erudite reader, large animals can still be enslaved, it's true! However, I'd like to draw your attention to the fact that these snails are not bound and juggling balls or doing tricks for treats, they are carrying complex, heavy weaponry that would only otherwise be wielded by knights and they look extremely competent, and in fact, their wins have been depicted by artists who were no doubt lucky enough to witness the victories as they happened. Further, in a time where a knight's sword cost far too much for the average person to ever be able to afford, it tracks that the snails proved themselves as extremely capable fighters and excellent at commerce as well (probably out dining with the Lombards to receive such backing), to manage the purchasing aspect.

As they are not depicted as large groups, we must take it to mean that there was no all-out war between snail kind and knight-kind, a small comfort. It is safe to assume, therefore, that only the most valiant, most capable of knights stood up to these giant snails and took them on in single-handed combat. The lack of written accounts suggests that there was an element of deep shame associated with these skirmishes on the part of the knights. As snails are only capable of developing cuniform records, it seems we are sadly a few years away from reading about their lived experiences.

Consequently, I have to confess that while it's likely I'd immediately succumb to cholera and the black death all at once, especially given the weak state of my untested body, my feral feminist mouth and the lack of hospitals, I would do a lot to have Lady Dianna Gabbaldon transport me back to Medieval times so I could watch these incredible, fearsome, house-bound warriors take on shiny knights, single-footedly. That isn't to say that I wouldn't enjoy watching overly large rabbits take on knights as well, but rabbits are uncommonly fast, and notoriously good at sword play. While large ones are unusual, the presence of the Easter Bunny puts to bed any myths about their speed, fortitude and growing capabilities, in direct contrast with their snail counterparts.

Of course, any conclusions made by art historians and the like will inevitably lead to bigger questions, notably: Why did they carry shields when they could instead iron-clad their homes? How did the very large snails go extinct given their well-documented wins? Why have their shells not yet been found in France and England where the texts were primarily being published in the 1290s, and importantly, how did they move so quickly in battle given what we know of the relationship between speed and body-mass(2) and the enormous mass and cumbersome housing modality they prefer? This is particularly interesting to consider given that their modern counterparts are so slow and seem uninterested in taking up arms. Has the Buddhist movement impacted them and they are simply meditating and enjoying a species-wide vow of silence for a few years? This seems very fair, as Buddhist philosophies are excellent, and judging by their weapon choices, snails are very discerning creatures.

Have you, my esteemed reader, heard about the theories linking dragons and dinosaurs? Not to fear, I'd be happy to provide another deep dive educational piece on the matter if not. In short, however, I fear that the reductionist thinking around the dragon-dinosaur saga has negatively impacted the snail population and our understanding of their history, evolution and culture.

My point in addressing all of the above? What we do doesn't matter. The robot aliens will look at our silly little servers and billboards and make up their own stories about what we were up to, just as we have done to the snails, so get out there, put on your sunnies, have a fruity little cocktail and enjoy life. And sweet baby goodness, if you come across any job openings, please send them my way so I stop going down Google Scholar rabbit/snail holes and make cookie and coffee money instead.

References I didn't use:

2. 1. Lyons M. Knights vs. Snails: A History of a Tiny, Tenacious Motif in European Art (2025). URL: https://qeios.com/read/substack-lyons-knights-vs-snails.

3. 2. Ruiz, J., Romilio, A., Saarinen, J. et al. The body mass-maximum speed relationship and the athletic capability of giant proboscideans and sauropods. Sci Rep 16, 2671 (2026). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-025-32536-3.